I blame you, I thank you, I blame you

For the last three years, I really struggled with the dichotomy of home. I lost the deep feeling of being at home anywhere. In fact, I lost deep feeling at all. I shut off a part of my brain that made me feel lonely or insecure or much of anything.

I guess I used to be a girl so absolutely driven by emotion that other aspects of me didn’t exist. My decisions were all so fueled by either love or hate, passion or disinterest. I didn’t have those other parts of you that are important, like logical reasoning or cerebral control. I’m not sure that many people think this is a good thing, but I am happy and I am strong now, and those are things that I never have been before.

My closest friend and I were talking about change last night. We feel like college and being away changed us so much, but when we come home, we meet up with old friends in old bars and everyone laughingly reminds us that we haven’t changed at all.

So, yes, I guess we haven’t changed. We look the same and we sound the same and we make the same jokes. We fall back into our old roles and we love each other in the same way.

I’m not sure if anyone will ever see that part of me died in the past three years, but after losing my home, I think I’m finally finding my way back.